dawn of a new age...

a new age has arrived, an age where the squawking is louder, the teeth are bigger, the nappies ... well, we wont go there but i will say this, the nappies are nastier.

Harlow turned one this morning, at precisely 4.05am. was there a fuss? a fanfare? NO!! we were sleeping. but when we woke up ...

i have yet to make my mind up about the last year. was it the best year? or was it a year from hell? there is no easy answer here, but the one i'm going to posit is that it was both. he arrived amid fire and brimstone, eager to be off but finding he was not up to task. through the year he has worn both wings and horns; an angel one day, a demon in child skin the next; we never knew what he was going to be from moment to moment, or what would make him change.

to say he has irrevocably altered the lives of those around him is, simply put, an understatement. he has a non-verbal hand in everything we do, every decision we make. he has had a profound effect on both middle management and the workers. its a wonder that they haven't quit and moved elsewhere.

i don't know really how to describe it. in terms even i can understand, we have been through hell. the life of a prem baby is a hard one. on everyone. there is so much pain, fear and misery that at times it nearly overwhelms you. what used to be simple and easy is now like trying to balance an anvil on a the tip of a needle.

it's not all been this way. there are also moments of joy, of happiness, of love. these moments are the reasons you do this, the reasons you wade through all the crap. there doesn't need to be anything special about these moments, they just are. they create the balance.

Harlow my friend, happy birthday. for a year you have kept us on our toes. it doesn't matter what we have wanted, what happened is what you wanted, what you needed. but you know what? thats okay. for you, i would do it all again in a heartbeat. you have changed our lives, the way we live, the way we think, the way we are. you have made us better. so to you i say ... ... ... i have no idea what to say. there are many things i could, so many things i should, but i don't think i can. i don't know how.

so, this is where i'm going to leave it.